


Benefits of Risking It All

by SolitaryScaup



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: M/M, and i want them to be happy, it probably sucks but i love these characters a lot, my first fic ever, neil does Not die but it gets rough, young neil and charlie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-06-14 20:05:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15396396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolitaryScaup/pseuds/SolitaryScaup
Summary: Essentially Dead Poets Society but explicitly gay when it should be.





	1. Prologue

Neil’s hands were shaking as he turned the shower off. He wrapped his towel around his waist and walked slowly to the other end of the room, trying his best to ignore the other boys. The deafening sound of the showers combined with the boys’ rowdy voices made Neil’s heart beat even faster. His stomach felt strange as well. He knew why he was feeling this way, but he tried to ignore it; his father would kill him. His heart was pounding in his throat and he could feel his cheeks getting hotter by the second. As he was trying to walk back to his room, he was stopped by his best friend and roommate (and the reason for his distress).

“What’s the matter with you? You’re all red and sweaty and weird,” Charlie said, masking his genuine concern.

“I think I’m getting sick or something,” Neil lied, adding a cough for dramatic effect. Charlie rolled his eyes. Neil tried to ignore his bare chest that was right in front of him. He hadn’t paid attention to it before, so why now? Charlie’s mouth was moving but Neil didn’t hear anything come out. He continued to stare.

“Yoo-hoo,” Charlie said as he waved his hand. “Anyone in there?” Neil stopped staring. 

“Sorry. I think I’m going to take a nap,” he said, walking past his friend quickly, hoping he wouldn’t be too mad at him later.

When he got back to the room he flopped onto his bed and stared at the ceiling, his towel still hugging his waist and his wet hair slowly drenching his bedsheets. That was the least of his concerns. _Maybe this really is just me getting sick_ , Neil hoped. He knew it wasn’t true, but he had to try to believe it. The alternative would prove to be much worse. 

“I didn’t know you could sleep with your eyes open,” Charlie said as he entered the room with two chocolate candies that he had no doubt stolen from Mr. Nolan’s office. “I thought this might help you feel better,” he said, offering Neil one of the candies. Neil sat up and took it. 

“He’s going to kill you someday, you know,” he said as he nibbled on the chocolate. 

“Who? Nolan?” Charlie asked, laughing, “I’d like to see him try.” Neil smiled and shook his head, admiring Charlie’s perfect combination of bravery and stupidity. The strange feeling in his stomach returned even stronger than before. This time it started to spread to his chest and then his face. Everything was tingling. He knew it felt worse whenever he looked at Charlie, but he still didn’t want to believe it. When Charlie noticed Neil getting flustered, he touched his shoulder gently and asked him if he was alright. The moment his skin made contact, Neil shivered violently. Charlie pulled his hand back, confused. 

“Come on Neil, what’s wrong?” he asked softly. Neil looked at him with pained eyes and said nothing. Charlie got up and hugged him because he knew when he got like this there was no way to get anything out of him. Immediately, Neil began to cry. He hugged him back. They sat in silence, hugging each other until Neil surprisingly broke the silence. 

“Charlie?” he said quietly.

“Yeah?”

“I like you.”

“I like you too, Neil,” he answered matter-of-factly. 

“No...I mean...I _like_ you,” he said, his voice now shaking. He felt Charlie’s arms stiffen. _I screwed it up. I screwed it up_ , he thought. As he was about to apologize and laugh it off as a joke, Charlie hugged him tighter. They both said nothing for a while because they didn’t need to.

Neil spoke first.

“My father is going to kill me.”


	2. Chapter 2

The first week at a new academy is always hell. Todd had only been to two, but he believed it to hold true for all of them. He sat through the welcoming ceremony with his parents, attempting to communicate his discontent by any silent means possible: pleading eyes, faces of disgust, and a defeated sigh once he realized it would not work. He gave up his attempts to sway his parents and began to observe the rest of the people in the room as a chance to familiarize himself with his new hellmates. The doors opened and suddenly he heard bagpipes. There were four boys walking single file and carrying banners that each said “Tradition,” “Honor,” “Discipline,” and “Excellence,” respectively. He saw the same look he had grown so familiar with over the past seventeen years plastered on the faces of every other boy doomed to this place. In his own dark way, this gave Todd hope.

He continued scanning the room until his gaze met one of the boys’ his age who was carrying the “Excellence” banner; he had brown hair, a lanky figure, and dark, bright eyes that held a vitality Todd only wished he could possess. That moment marked his end, though he did not know it yet. For Todd, it had felt like they were isolated; the only people floating in outer space, slowly drifting towards each other but not quite touching--not yet. His heart picked up its pace and beat so quickly he thought he was surely dying. He snapped out of his moment of anticipation when he heard the scratchy voice of the old man he could only assume was the headmaster.

“Ladies and gentlemen, boys, the light of knowledge,” he said as a flame was passed from candle to candle in the front of the room. The headmaster continued to speak about things Todd had neither the patience nor focus for at the moment. The banner boys stopped at the front of the room moments ago and turned to face the crowd of stiff parents and nervous sons. Naturally, the boy Todd had seen earlier was positioned right in front of him. He was standing up straight, his eyes forward as though he knew exactly what he was doing. Todd lost himself once more in his thoughts as all other noises around him became secondary. His mind returned to him when his father cleared his throat expectantly and gestured towards the front of the room with his eyes. Todd’s face caught fire and he gulped. He never did hear what the old man had to say. 

Moments later the ceremony was over and Todd and his parents were heading towards the headmaster who was standing in the doorway, speaking to parents hoping to make a lasting impression of their sons. Todd dreaded what his parents would say about him--no--his brother. It was always about his brother. That’s the whole reason he was at this academy anyway. Sure enough, the old man (who Todd now knew was named Mr. Nolan) wasted no time in mentioning his brother. It took everything in Todd not to roll his eyes then and there. He was growing more and more flustered by the second as their expectations of him were discussed and added onto. He gave Mr. Nolan an uncomfortable smile and said “Thank you” before walking away as quickly as was acceptable. His parents gave him standard goodbyes and they received the same in return. Just as his mind was starting to show signs of clearing, he saw him again. That boy with the brown hair and wonderful eyes was walking towards him with what seemed like a genuine smile.

“Hey. I hear we’re gonna be roommates,” he said calmly. “I’m Neil Perry,” he added quickly, holding his hand out expectantly. 

“I’m Todd Anderson,” Todd said quietly, weakly shaking Neil’s hand. Todd began to panic. He wasn’t sure he could handle being roommates with Neil if he was going to make him feel like this all the time. They began to walk together, with Neil attempting to make conversation.

“Why’d you leave Balincrest?” he asked.

“My brother went here,” Todd answered, almost ashamed that all he was doing was trying to fill his brother’s shoes. 

“Oh,” Neil replied, “so you’re _that_ Anderson,” he said knowingly. This conversation was only making Todd feel worse. He knew he would never amount to his brother’s accomplishments, at least not in his parents’ eyes. 

“Yeah,” Todd said disappointedly, “that Anderson.” 

They continued their walk until they reached their room. The halls were chaotic: terrified boys setting up their rooms, parents weeping both tears of sadness and joy, and a group of boys surrounding Neil and Todd’s room. Todd sighed. He knew Neil was going to have friends that would be hanging around, which meant that he would have to become either their friend or the roommate that everyone hated. He took a deep breath and followed Neil into their room. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.


	3. Chapter 3

He was wrong. It was bad. 

Not even five seconds in the dorm and he was already the butt of a tasteless remark. He saw the redhead leaning against the doorframe and assumed he was talking to Neil. He heard something about a study group and continued lugging his bags towards his room. The closer he got, the clearer his voice was. 

“Hey, I heard you got the new kid. Looks like a stiff!” he said, laughing. Todd pushed past him to get to his room. The redhead stopped laughing and said an “oops” that didn’t really sound genuine. Todd didn’t care. At least that’s what he told himself. Neil stifled a laugh as Todd walked past him and set down his bags on his bed. 

“Listen, don’t mind Cameron. He was born with his foot in his mouth. You know what I mean?” Neil said as he playfully slapped Todd’s back with some papers. Todd didn’t respond. He was too busy ignoring everyone in the hopes that he could just get through his first day without any problems. He and Neil began unpacking when three boys came to their door. Todd didn’t really make note of them and kept packing. He heard the one in front say something about Neil doing summer school. He became slightly overwhelmed when all three boys began to walk in their room.

“Meeks. Door. Closed,” the one in the front ordered. 

“Yes, sir,” a boy Todd assumed was named Meeks said. Todd noted the exchange as odd but intriguing. 

“Gentleman, what are the four pillars?” Neil asked sarcastically.

“Travesty, horror, decadence, excrement,” they answered in unison. Todd’s head whipped around in every direction he heard the voices coming from. 

_So much for ignoring them_ , he thought. They continued their conversation and Todd resumed unpacking. They discussed forming a study group and suddenly Todd heard Neil say his name. It sounded like he was introducing him to everyone so Todd didn’t have to. He appreciated that. Todd and Meeks exchanged greetings and then Todd was morally obliged to continue the ever loathsome tradition of introductions. He learned the names of the others; Charlie Dalton was the cocky one and Knox Overstreet was the quieter one. Knowing their names would surely come in handy, but he just wanted to unpack. 

“Todd’s brother was Jeffrey Anderson,” Neil told the group.

_Great_ , Todd thought. To his surprise, they didn’t seem to care that much. Meeks welcomed him to “Hellton” but Todd was too busy staring at the ground to hear a word he said. His head shot up when he heard the room go silent because that usually meant he had missed something and was expected to respond. His eyes found Meeks’ and he smiled and nodded quickly, then returned to unpacking. They began talking amongst themselves again and then there was a knock on their door. It was Neil’s father. He and Neil began to speak and eventually had a disagreement. He excused Neil from the room and Todd was left with people he had only met moments ago. He felt like a gazelle trapped in a cage with three curious (and hungry) lions. Charlie seemed to take the most interest in Todd. 

“So. You’re Neil’s roommate,” he said in a voice Todd could only classify as investigative. That worried him. 

“Yeah,” Todd said with a surprisingly calm voice. Charlie looked Todd up and down as if he was inspecting him. 

“What are your intentions with Neil?” Charlie asked, his voice significantly deeper than before.

“W-what?” Todd asked, confused. Knox and Meeks rolled their eyes and smiled. 

“He’s joking. Right, Charlie?” Knox said, clearly used to dealing with this behavior. Charlie smirked. Before he could respond, they heard Neil’s conversation with his father come to an end. The three boys raised their eyebrows and walked out of the room. They seemed to be accustomed to these situations between Neil and his father. Todd was left alone in the room to think about what had just happened. Why had he asked him that? _Was it_ just a joke? This worried Todd. He began to set his clock to distract him from these troubling thoughts. Not long after, he heard Knox and Meeks invite him to their study group. He thanked them, knowing he had no intentions of going.


	4. Chapter 4

Todd barely slept that night. He was too busy worrying about his first day of classes. When he finally did succumb to his body’s pleas for rest, he dreamt of snow. He dreamt he was running in the snow and it never seemed to end. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt like it was his duty to stop something awful from happening. So, he kept running. He ran until he no longer could, then collapsed. By then his lungs were screaming and his legs were numb. He was just lying there in the snow, letting it surround him--consume him. He had failed. The feeling in his body was gone and everything was turning white. He closed his eyes. 

Then his alarm went off. Neil was still asleep. 

_Heavy sleeper_ , Todd thought. The dream he just had was still fresh in his mind. He tried not to think too much of it--it was just a dream, after all. He turned on his side to face Neil and wondered if he should wake him before it was too late. As he contemplated his next move, his gaze never shifted. 

When Neil finally opened his eyes, Todd was still staring at him. He squinted for a few seconds and then looked back at Todd.

“Why don’t you take a picture?” he asked, smiling and still half asleep. Todd jumped up and immediately apologized, completely embarrassed. 

“I-I’m sorry...I just didn’t know if I should wake you or not,” he said nervously. Neil yawned for a few seconds and stretched his entire body, moaning loudly. 

“That’s alright,” he said, “I wouldn’t have minded.” Todd nodded quickly and stood up, grabbing his toothbrush and toothpaste. He practically sprinted out of the room before he could get the chance to make things even more awkward. 

When he was brushing his teeth, Knox walked into the bathroom. He said hello and Todd waved. When they were both brushing their teeth, Knox tried to initiate a conversation.

“How wush yer firsht night?” he said, his mouth full of toothpaste. Todd quickly finished brushing his teeth so he could answer. He spit in the sink.

“It was okay,” he said, wiping his mouth. Knox nodded and spit in the sink. 

“Well, I hope you’re ready for classes,” he started, pausing to gargle water. “We don’t call it Hellton for nothing,” he said after spitting the water out.

“Thanks,” he said, now even more nervous than before. “I’ll see you later,” Todd said as he left the bathroom. 

When he entered the room, Neil was getting dressed. He immediately forced his eyes downward and turned his back to him so he wouldn’t even be able to “accidentally” look. He, of course, failed to notice the mirror on his dresser that was now directly in front of him. When he finally did notice, he seemed to be unable to move his eyes anywhere else. Neil’s shirt eventually moved from covering his eyes to covering his body, where it (much to Todd’s dismay) actually belonged. Their eyes locked. Todd blinked many times and coughed in an attempt to distract from the obviously uncomfortable situation. He hastily grabbed some clothes and walked over to his bed, doing everything in his power to not look at Neil. After a moment’s hesitation, he began to undress with his back facing Neil. Not long after, he heard him clearing his throat. When he turned around to face Neil, his shirt was only halfway on and his arms were entangled awkwardly above his head. 

“Your pants are inside out,” Neil said, clearly holding back a laugh. Todd’s face burned with embarrassment. 

“Oh, geez,” Todd said defeatedly. He began to wiggle his body so that he could free his arms and fix his mistake. He was clearly struggling. 

“Here,” Neil offered, “let me help.” He walked over and untangled Todd with ease, as though he’s had to do this before (he has). 

“Th-thanks,” Todd stuttered. Neil smiled and nodded once. Todd’s eyes darted around the room, searching for something to stare at that wasn’t Neil while he took his pants off. He found a fly on the wall and began to take them off. 

Naturally, it flew away a second later leaving Todd half-naked and staring at nothing. He resorted to what he knew best--staring at the ground. After what felt like an eternity, his pants were on correctly and he and Neil were no longer uncomfortably staring at each other. Todd breathed a sigh of relief and Neil began to laugh.

“You’re something else, Todd,” he said, his voice hinting at fondness. Todd didn’t know how to respond, so he just smiled.


	5. Chapter 5

Classes went about as well as Todd expected; laboratory assignments, the Latin teacher droning on and on, and an extremely intimidating trig teacher. The one class that didn’t make Todd wish he was on another planet was English. The teacher--Mr. Keating--was an eccentric character who did not fit Welton’s image at all. Where all of the other teachers were strict and mundane, Keating was free-spirited and lively. He held the first class outside of the classroom and in front of the glass cases that held the past. Everyone gathered around the small table that separated Mr. Keating from themselves, making it seem like there was an unseen force that kept them from getting any closer. Keating looked at a few of the boys and finally spoke. 

“O Captain, My Captain! Who knows where that comes from?” he asked as he searched the sea of boys who still did not understand why they were standing there.  
“Anybody?” he added only a few seconds later. Todd’s head shot up when he heard this. When teachers said this it was usually directed towards him since he rarely spoke. Silence still followed. 

“Not a clue?” he said, his voice surprisingly calm. Todd was used to voices rich with frustration after his silence. 

“It’s from a poem by Walt Whitman about Mr. Abraham Lincoln,” he finally told them. “Now, in this class, you can either call me Mr. Keating, or if you’re slightly more daring, ‘O Captain, My Captain.'” Many of the boys smiled as they realized that perhaps this class would be a break from the bullshit they would endure during their time at Hellton.  


He continued introducing himself and then he had Pitts read a poem about virgins that Todd couldn’t quite remember the name of. What he did remember was the message Keating was trying to get them to understand-- _carpe diem_. Seize the day. Basically, do the opposite of what Todd does every day. He knew it was cheesy, but he felt inspired for the first time in his life to do something he normally wouldn’t. Maybe it was the fact that his parents weren’t there to stop him, or that Keating's words really resonated with him, or that Neil was so damn attractive, but he felt compelled to kiss Neil then and there. Keating’s words became background noise as Todd imagined the scenario; he would push past the few people standing between them and grab his shirt, looking into his eyes with desperation and fear. He’d like to think Neil would be pleasantly surprised, but his anxiety tells him otherwise. He kisses him nonetheless and his mind doesn’t know where to take him after that. 

He was brought back to the real world when Mr. Keating told them to step towards the glass cases and look at the pictures of past students. 

“They’re not that different from you, are they?” Keating began. “Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you,” Todd blushed as if Keating had somehow seen his thoughts earlier. “Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they’re destined for great things, just like many of you. Their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see, gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils.” Todd grew increasingly anxious as he thought of what little time he actually had at Welton. He hoped it would be enough to build up the courage to kiss Neil at least once. Mr. Keating continued speaking; “But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in,” he said, his voice almost reaching a whisper. Todd looked around hesitantly to see if anyone was actually leaning in. After he saw that they were, he slowly joined them. Everyone was silent, and Keating began to whisper; “ _Carpe...carpe...carpe diem...seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary_ ,” 

Todd’s entire body shivered. He knew he had to show Neil how he felt before he lost the chance to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this at like 3 am so I apologize if it is not that great


	6. Chapter 6

_Carpe diem_ , Todd thought to himself as he reached to take his shirt off. His arms froze when he heard the laughter of others getting closer. He let go of the bottom of his shirt and stood stiffly as the showers filled with unfamiliar people. When they finally noticed he’d been standing there for a while, his eyes widened and his mouth opened and closed in an attempt to formulate an excuse.

“I, uh...my soap...left it on the sink…” he mumbled, embarrassed. Not wanting to hear their response, he immediately turned around and walked into the next room. He was hoping he’d be able to shower alone, but that clearly wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. 

Defeated, he took a seat on the windowsill and waited for the boys to leave. To his dismay, the room only got fuller. He was about to give up and go back to his room when his friends (could he call them that yet?) walked in. He saw Neil and Charlie laughing together and felt a tinge of jealousy. Whether it was because he lacked the confidence they had or the fact that he wanted to make Neil laugh like that, he didn’t know. What he did know was that he was now the only fully-clothed one in the room. Not that there was much to complain about. 

He didn’t move from the windowsill for quite a while, his eyes fixed on the floor in an attempt to avoid getting caught staring. Only when a teacher came in to tell the boys to hurry up did Todd’s head jerk up. _So much for showering today_ , he thought. Maybe he’d be able to take a quick one after everyone left. 

After the teacher left, he looked around the room and saw Neil and Charlie at the sinks in front of him. Charlie was messing with his hair and Neil was...well, Todd wasn’t entirely sure. He had lost his train of thought when he saw Neil with nothing but a towel around his waist. He heard Meeks come in and ask about something, but he didn’t really pay attention. When he saw Neil begin to turn around, his face flushed and he returned his eyes to the floor. He saw him getting closer and his heart started beating at a pace he was sure was unhealthy. All he could do was stare at the floor and hope he wouldn’t embarrass himself. 

Neil snapped his fingers in Todd’s face to get his attention. _Oh, god_ , Todd thought. 

“Hey,” Neil said, waiting for Todd’s full attention. “You coming to the study group tonight?”

Todd’s mind went blank. He stuttered for what seemed like a lifetime as he looked around the room desperately, hoping he would somehow find his answer written on the walls. 

“Uh, uh...n-no. I-I’ve got some history I wanna do,” he lied, his eyes flicking downward more than once against his will. _Damn that towel_ , Todd thought to himself. Neil’s expression didn’t change and he nodded.

“Suit yourself,” he said before walking away. Todd was mad at himself for declining. It was instinct at this point, almost like a defense mechanism. He sighed as Neil walked away and his eyes wandered down his back. He hoped nobody saw that. 

After he had finally showered, he was in his room with an empty notebook and a pencil in his hand. Studying wasn’t going as well as he had planned, mostly due to the fact that his mind was bouncing from one thought to the next, most of them about Neil. He opened up the notebook to the first page and wrote “SEIZE THE DAY!” in sloppy handwriting. Once he was finished, he stared at the page in hopes that the words would come to life and magically give him the confidence to do what he so desperately wanted to. He sighed and looked at the stack of textbooks waiting to be studied, then crumbled the paper and threw it away. As he grabbed the chemistry book, he tried to push all thoughts of Neil and _carpe diem_ out of his head, though he knew that would never happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definitely not the best chapter but hopefully it'll get me back into the swing of things. If anyone cares, I feel really bad for not updating this for such a long time, but I'll hopefully be able to continue posting more chapters semi-regularly. Thanks to anyone who reads this story, whether you're enjoying it or not.


End file.
